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'Twas the bill after Christmas
''Twas
the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
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Holiday
Memorandum
To:
All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the
following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal
Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make
tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is
forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a
Happy Holiday.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did", he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna
find a fake Jeep?"
Q: What would you get if you crossed Santa with a giraffe?
A: St. Neck!
Q: What would you get if you crossed one of Santa's helpers
with the King of Rock 'n' Roll?
A: Elfis Presley!
Q: What has fins, a tail, and is mailed to you at Christmas?
A: A Christmas cod!
Q: Why don't elves play in the NBA?
A: They just don't measure up!
Q: What would get if you crossed St. Nick with Jon Arbuckle?
A: Santa Clod!
Q: What is Santa's favorite American state?
A: Idaho-ho-ho!
Q: What do Santa's helpers make the day before Christmas?
A: Eight dollars an hour plus time and a half for overtime!
Q: What is a monster's favorite Christmas poem?
A: "The Fright Before Christmas!"
A: What is a ghost's favorite Christmas carol?
A: "We Wish You a Scary Christmas!"
Q: What would you have if Santa brought you a kitten and a
puppy?
A: A meowy Christmas and a yappy New Year!
Q: Why was Santa's sick helper reluctant to go to the
hospital?
A: Because he didn't have elf insurance!
Q: What has four legs, a hump, and is found at the North
Pole?
A: A lost camel!
Girl 1: "Do you like The Nutcracker Suite?"
Girl 2: "I'm sugarplum crazy about it!"
Q: What happens when Christmas angels meet?
A: They both say, "Halo!"
Q: Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
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Christmas
Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks
and Trees and
Fire Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe
I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,......
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and
then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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